Originally posted at Channel [V] Online HERE

By Mitch Feltscheer

How about that weather hey? So much weather at the moment am I right? Like, HEAPS of weather. Depending where abouts you live on this giant frying pan called Australia, you’re probably experiencing temperatures this week ranging from the mid 30s up to the actual surface of the sun and for some cities all the way up to OH GOD NO REPENT YOUR SINS. As the mercury and the elderly death rate rises you’re going to need a way to stay cool and if you don’t own air conditioning, or in my case several shirtless models to fan you with palm fronds, you need an alternative way to clear those sweaty, sweaty pits. Lucky for you I’ve discovered (read: made up) some 100% A-grade science which suggests that the human body temperature is almost wholly controlled by the ear canal. Which is super lucky because I just happen to have right here 10 songs to keep you cool this heatwave. 

Jump in the Pool – Friendly Fires

On days like these it’s safe to say we’d all love to be submerged in some delicious, chlorinated water but many of us lack the necessary equipment for a rousing game of Marco Polo, so this 2008 Friendly Fires tune will have to be the next best thing. The appropriately saturated music video will immediately have you reminiscing about all those childhood afternoons spent over at that rich kid’s house down the street, pretending to like him in order to bellyflop the humid hours away.

Ice Cream – Muscles

It’s fricken hot so ditch that New Year’s resolution diet and gorge yourself on/have your day saved by some ‘Ice Cream’ courtesy of Melbourne beat maker Muscles. Although an entirely appropriate song to cool you down, I couldn’t, however, find an official music video so instead you will need to chill out and hopefully imitate the below fan version featuring dudes with their shirts off covering their nips in frozen dairy goods. ILY YouTube.

Britney Spears – Slave 4 U

No matter how disgustingly slimy and unpleasant your various cracks get this week, keep in mind it could always be worse. For example you could be one of these poorly treated, dehydrated dancers in the 2001 music video for Britney’s ‘Slave 4 U’. In the clip Herr Spears is the leader of some crazed dance/sex cult where members are starved of water and forced to gyrate and twirl despite blatantly OH&S violating temperatures. I mean the DJs sweat is literally evaporating on the decks, Britney, YOU MONSTER. One look into the miserable eyes of these desperately thirsty, abused dancers will make your current situation comparatively better.

Vanilla Ice – Ice Ice Baby

YOU DIDN’T THINK I WOULD DIDN’T YOU! DIDN’T YOU!

The xx – Angels

You know that icy cold drop you felt inside your entire being when your heart got shattered into a million shards of agony by a stupid jerkface right after that The xx concert? Simply listen to ‘Angels’ and the mere memory of that time you were romantically murdered post-gig will chill your very core faster than a nude dip in the Arctic. Okay so maybe this one only really pertains to me, but simply replace ‘Angels’ with that one song that reminds you of your most vicious break-up and enjoy that sub zero numbness that comes with it. You’re welcome!

Nelly – Hot In Herre

Similar to the Britney song above, a watch of this clip from Nelly should put into perspective how much worse things really could be. I mean you could be in a club in 2002 during the height of the sweatband as fashion accessory era for Christ’s sake! More than just that though, Nelly’s erudite, poetic lyrics also bring with it some sage advice for dealing with this heatwave. So join me in giving the finger to your workplace’s bullshit “clothes must be on at all times” policy and LET IT HANG ALL OUT.

Sigur Ros – Varuo

Time for a legitimate, non-joke entry to the list with some soothing, ethereal falsetto from my third favourite Icelandic expansive post-rock trio, Sigur Ros. This perfectly matched, elegantly simple video for ‘Varuo’ pairs the beautiful, soaring orchestral sounds with a snowy animated landscape and is sure to knock off some degrees of your body temp and hopefully make wherever you are right now feel a bit less like Satan’s butthole. Plus they’re from Iceland. ICE! Hahahaha!

Eiffel 65 – Blue

The colour blue has been scientifically proven to be the section of the spectrum that is mostly correlated with the sea, ice and the sensation of cold (probably) and so what better way to trick your body into cooling the fuck down then by hearing the word blue repeated a billion times WHILST watching a mainly blue music video?  Also this video has subtitles and so I totally just learnt that Eifell 65 were in fact singing “da ba dee dabba da-ee” and not “if I was green I would die.”

Kelis – Milkshake

Now I’m no genius, but I’m almost entirely positive that when Kelis is singing about her “milkshake” and its ability to invite interest from the opposite sex she is not in fact referring to a frosty, milk-based beverage. What else it possibly could be, I can’t say, but I do know that milkshakes are cold, and drinking them fast gives you brain freezes. So I dunno, watch the music vid and pretend you’re drinking a milkshake I guess.

OMC – How Bizarre

Let’s head all the way back to 1996 for a music video and song sure to keep you the coolest AND the kewlest. Watch as OMC (New Zealand’s greatest musical export… sorry, Lorde) cruise down the highway in the hot, hot sun yet somehow maintain the utmost levels of coolitude. How DO they do it? Is it the turtle-neck/wide collared suit combo? Is it the tiger print green screen effects? Is it simply a song which befits the title by making absolutely zero fucking sense? Don’t know about you but I’m feeling cooler already.