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Of all the faux-holidays borne from an executed Roman priest which feature a naked infant wielding weaponry, Valentine’s Day is probably my favourite. Jks, it’s not my favourite anything, it sucks and if you celebrate it you’re an actual monster who deserves death by snake bites.

Valentine’s Day, as all sane people recognise, is an exercise in unnecessary consumerism masterminded by a chocolate/florist/greeting card conglomerate that irresponsibly mine the human capacity for romance in order to keep their swimming pools brimming with $100 notes and remind single people of the wretchedness of solitude.

So let’s not talk about gross romance on this unholy of days and instead discuss a more pure form of human relations, the bromance. Yes, bromances have been an important feature of human society dating all the way back to Jesus and whichever one of those apostle dudes was his bbf. The world of music incidentally, is a breeding ground for loving relationships where no breeding actually occurs with the contemporary music industry simply overflowing with budding brosephs. So in order to help block out the V-Day bullshit let’s all pop a couple of brohypnols and take a journey through our favourite music bromances.

Okay one more thing actually, if you post a Valentine’s Day message on your boo’s Facebook wall for all to see you’re pretty much a triple-Hitler and deserve to be sent to the bottom of the ocean. Okay, good, let’s begin.

Jay-Z and Kanye West

Current reigning co-lords of the hip-hop world, connoisseurs of the finer things in life and frequent attendees of the world’s greatest double dates, Jay-Z and Kanye’s bromance is one that will go down in the history books. Like any adorable long-term couple the duo started off as rivals in the rap game before giving in to their undeniable feelings for each other and collaborating on numerous tracks over several years before finally going all in with a joint album (the “moving in together” of the musical bromance). Although rumours exist of a minor spat coinciding with their respective solo albums being released in the same year, the bro-birds appear to be happily united once more with a sequel to Watch the Throne confirmed.

 

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

One of the newer bromances to burst onto the already bro-laden scene are recent Grammy winners and definitely not gay duo Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. Originally meeting whilst Lewis was a photographer for the then solo Macklemore, the bromance blossomed when Macklemore asked Lewis to “photograph me like one of your French girls” in the since leaked naked-except-for-that-old-lady-from-Titanic’s-diamond-necklace shot. I know. I thought she dropped it into the ocean at the end of the movie as well. Now 100% musical brohemes who share a name, Macklemore has since gone to great lengths to dispute any homosexual relationship, even writing an entire song which repeatedly informs us of how #str8 he is. See below for further evidence:

Justin Timberlake and Timbaland

One of the longer running musical bromances around, JT and Timothy “Timbaland” Mosley first met when Timberlake was struggling to finish writing his 2002 tune ‘Cry Me A River’. As the story goes Timbaland strode into the studio and came up with line “the damage is done so I guess I be leaving” which ultimately elevated the tune to the hit it is known as today. Since then Timbaland has been credited with such other pieces of genius lyrical input as the instructive and totally necessary “take ’em to the bridge” in 2006’s ‘SexyBack’ and the heartfelt, iconic “wikka wikka wikka wikka” in 2013’s ‘Tunnel Vision’. Also their names are pretty similar so that’s probs got something to do with it.

Flume and Chet Faker

Current frontrunner in the Australian bromance scene (take THAT Hamish and Andy) is the totes adorbs duo of sexy beat makers Flume and Chet Faker. Discovering each other via the interwebs (eHarmony perhaps?) the pair immediately bonded over their ability to make dope tunes and set out to collaBROate. Recently releasing an EP which one reviewer described as “baby-making music,” the pair has described their relationship as very much an opposites attract, yin-yang sort of thing which totally makes sense from a follical point of view. Sources confirm however, that Harley’s previous numero uno bro Chris “Emoh Instead” Emerson of What So Not fame is not entirely happy with the new arrangement, with one close confidant informing me he was spotted cutting up pictures of them together whilst crying into his ice cream.

Eminem and Dr. Dre

Jeez for a genre generally considered the most homophobic, the hip-hop world sure is a ripe atmosphere for burgeoning bromance as our next entry seems to confirm. Potentially the longest running bromance on this list, Marshall Mathers and his eternal broducer Dre have been broactive since Eminem’s 1996 Slim Shady EP gave Dre a musical broner, piquing his interest and, obviously, his heart. The two have been inseparable ever since, with Dre producing on every single of his albums, like some kind of obsessed boyfriend clinging to his sweetheart. Let’s hope the bromance continues to be a pleasant one though, as we all know what Eminem does to partners he gets sick of (hint: car trunk, cliff, watery grave).

Daft Punk

They say the key to any good relationship is communication, which leaves me absolutely dumbfounded at how the two brobots from Daft Punk have stayed bromantically interested in each other for so long. Unlike the rest of the world though, they probably have heard each other speak as it would be rather difficult to achieve complete domination of the electronic music scene for over a decade with simply sign language and a series of beeps. The French wonder-duo whose human names are Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter most recently utilised their bromance to kick 2013 squarely in the dick with Random Access Memories winning ALL the awards. Oh and just in case you’ve never seen them sans helmet have a look below. Babes right?

Justin Bieber and Usher

Usher is famously credited as being responsible for discovering and honing the talent of teen pop sensation Justin Bieber, which depending on your opinion of the Biebster is the greatest singular move in the history of mankind or the biggest fucking mistake humanity has made since the whole Garden of Eden apple debacle. Whilst Usher did indeed woo the Canadian mophead with a tantalising bromance and mentor him in the ways of music making, he possibly may since regret forgetting to impart certain lessons. “Appropriate Places to Urinate” for example. “What Not to Do Before Driving a Lamborghini Around Miami” might also have helped, as well as “How To Treat Your Limousine Drivers”. Anyway, they’re a bromance I suppose

One Direction

The final bromance is in actuality 10 different, simultaneous bromances, I just simply couldn’t pick my favourite out of Larry Stylinson, Zouis, Narry, Lilo, Ziam etc. The ultimate demonstrators of 21st Century guylove, this new breed of boy band are indicative of the next generation’s lax attitude towards dude-on-dude affection, and whether on stage or on the interview couch are no strangers to some observable cheek-kisses, sensual winks and butt-grabs. And if all that One Direction erotic fanfic I post to my blog, I read every day on the internet, I’ve heard about is anything to go by, there are a lot of people out there thoroughly enjoying their overt bromance.