Originally posted at Channel [V]
At the beginning of the week, well-mannered pop star Justin Bieber ignited controversy for the first time ever in his completely scandal-free career, shocking the world at large who up until now considered him an upstanding, intelligent young gentleman.
Yes the Biebs has put his foot in it again, this time putting those probably non-existent high school history lessons to good use and getting his speculative time-travel on. On a visit to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam he decided to ponder on the hypothetical pop-star allegiance of the long-suffering historical figure, writing in the guestbook “Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.”
Despite some expected outrage of the “HOW DARE HE” variety, Justin received some odd support from Anne Frank’s IRL step-sister who pretty much said, “Yeah, he’s right, Anne probs WOULD have been a Belieber, I mean she was a teenage girl for fuck’s sake!” (NB: I may have paraphrased that).
JB’s astounding propensity to somehow associate any and all things, regardless of temporal location, to himself has got us thinking about what indeed the major figures of human history would be getting their boogie on to, were they alive today. So jump into the TARDIS/DeLorean with us as we journey into the past and find out what music bandwagons some of the most eminent people from history would be hitching themselves to.
Who: Cleopatra, Pharoah of Egypt/Queen of the Nile
Fandom: BeyHive member
Cleopatra was the last Pharoah of Ancient Egypt, wife to Julius Caesar and inspiration for pokie machines everywhere, with reports also indicating she was a fine piece of ass. Whether she utilised her sex appeal to conquer ancient dudes or not, she is recognised as one of the first girl-power heads of state with her reign particularly notable for being the first chick-leader to appear solely on Egyptian currency. As a girl who ruled the world who else would she be better aligned with then our current Queen of Pop/Everything, Beyonce. I can picture Cleo busting out the single ladies dance atop her Egyptian throne dropping hints to Marc Antony (the Jay-Z of 41BC) that if he likes it he should definitely put a ring on it/sacrifice a cat in her name.
Who: Henry VIII, King of England
Fandom: Spice Girls follower
Henry VIII was King of England from 1509 till his death in 1547 and is mainly known for being the biggest playa of the Tudor Dynasty ploughing his way through six wives in a maniacal attempt to sire a male heir. He also did some stuff with the church or something but he’s mostly memorable because of this and the way in which he would dispose of wives once he got bored of them (hint: how most Game of Thrones episodes end). If he was kicking around today and staying in his native country I think big H would definitely be into the Spice Girls. Probably not so much the whole Girl Power thing but think how happily Henry would be with five new wives, each with their own look, style and adjective. Plus it would probably include Victoria Beckham’s head getting chopped off at one point which would be fun.
Who: Mahatma Gandhi, Spiritual Icon/Civil Rights Fighter
Gandhi was… shit you know what? It’s fucking Gandhi. You know who Gandhi was, right? MOTHERFUCKING GANDHI, YOU GUYS. Gandhi’s well-known ethos and deeply spiritual philosophy would be right at home amongst the screaming tween girl mass that is the Directioner fandom. Think about it. Gandhi’s teachings on truthfulness, temperance and chastity sound like they’re straight out of a One Direction song and both Gandhi and the English boy band have had a lasting effect on the global psyche and discourse on human existence. Compare this quote from Gandhi and these One D lyrics:
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
“Baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed.”
Hard to tell which one is which, am I right? Oh and if you’re wondering, Gandhi’s favourite 1D member would def be Liam.
Who: Gandalf the Grey, Wizard, Istari, Lover
Fandom: Little Monster
The oldest and wisest of the White Council, Gandalf is known for his prominent involvement in the Battle of Five Armies, The War of the Ring and for his revelatory Elven bread recipes. Old mate Gandalf, were he kicking around today (and hey, who knows he might be, he’s fucking magical yo), would most definitely be a foremost associate of Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters brigade. Like the White Wizard, Gaga loves a theatrical entrance whether emerging from a giant translucent egg or appearing in a flash of light in a forest somewhere and her all-inclusive and strongly pro-LGBT message would appeal to Gandalf’s beliefs in equality for all the races of Middle-Earth. Plus there’s that rumour Gandalf may have himself played for the same-team, if you know what I mean (oh wait, that may have been Dumbledore).
You know speculating on all these monolithic figures of our collective human history and their theoretical pop-idols has really made me sad that none of them are actually around to witness the golden era of pop music we are so lucky to live in. So next time you give Taylor Swift a spin on your iPod or scream your lungs out to The Collective, spare a thought to less-fortunate citizens of bygone times and be thankful you’re not living with the constant threat of decapitation like Henry VIII’s wives or battling orcs atop a white stallion like Gandalf.