Coachella 2013 Long Distance Review – Channel [V] Online

Originally posted on Channel [V]

Northern Hemisphere music festivals are horrible and I hate them. Look at them with their ridiculously huge, big-name littered line-ups, beautifully unique, scenic locations and full-strength alcohol (not sure on that last one but probably… those jerks). YUCK! BLERGH! They are The Worst.

Okay I lied, they’re awesome. They so forcefully shit on what we Aussies consider a good festival, mainly due to the fact the US and Europe aren’t burdened with being girt by fuckloads of sea like us and thus it’s much cheaper and easier for bands to get around to the myriad of incredible music festivals hosted by those North of The Wall/Equator (Game of Thrones reference, just go with it).

Arguably one of the biggest and definitely the most prominent on the American summer calendar is Coachella Music and Arts Festival which is held in the stunning Californian desert and just wound up its first weekend of huge music acts for 2013. That’s right, the greedy Northerners have two back-to-back, weekends on which to sup upon the delicious teat of Coachella. Those white-walking, baby-killing, eagle-whispering bastards! (Do you guys watch Game of Thrones? OMG it’s great!)

Thanks to the wonders of the information super-highway, we antipodean suckers were lucky enough to be able to watch a big ol’ bunch of Coachella sets live from the States with three simultaneous channels on YouTube rubbing the majestic glory of numerous epic bands in our music-starved, wintery-cold faces. The extra cool thing about three concurrent channels is we also get to experience the inherent festival FOMO with the frustration of set-time clashes travelling all the way to our screens. Yep it’s pretty much the most Firsterst World Problem ever.

Now I caught a lot of the Coachella live stream (read: zero social life) but instead of trying to review all the bands I got to see on my tiny rectangle I thought I’d pull out a technique I used when reviewing the Grammys earlier this year. Yes that’s right, back by absolutely zero demand it’s The 2nd Tri-Monthly Feltchy Awards for Stuff ‘n Things I’ve Watched Recently.

Best Celebrity Attendee: Clint Eastwood

After the incredibly embarra moment during last year’s Presidential election in which everyone’s favourite octogenarian cowboy incoherently talked to an empty chair and generated one of 2012’s biggest memes, Clint could really do with a bit of good press and so accompanied his (babein) daughters to the festival. Showing that he’s “totes down with the young people music” the 82-year-old star was pictured munted out of his mind and fist-pumping to Vampire Weekend (not really).

Best Response to a Technical Issue: Tame Impala

One of the few bands representing Australia at Coachella (besides the eight bands Nick Cave seems to front) Tame Impala’s unsurprisingly superb set proved why they’re conquering the world with their inimitable brand of pysch-rock. Unfortunately disaster struck the ceaselessly affable bunch of lads halfway through thumping out ‘Elephant’ when the guys pulled up stumps mid-riff with Gumby announcing “sorry everyone our MIDI isn’t working.” The short-lived awkwardness was utterly swept aside in true ‘strayan fashion when he turned back to the crowd and dropped “I FUCKING HATE MIDI!” to cheers from the won-over crowd. Legend. You’ve earned yourself a tinny of VB and some Vegemite champ.

Most disappointing Performance – RHCP

Argh it breaks my little ’90s heart to say this but Red Hot Chili Peppers’ performance was fairly poor and lifeless. Now I will try to give them the benefit of the doubt in that maybe the thousands of kays and the fact I was sitting in my undies in a messy bedroom watching them may have diluted the awesomeness of RHCP more than a little, however I found it pretty crappy. Anthony Kiedis’ voice sounds like it’s finally wearing thin and the numerous over-long guitar solos were boring, went nowhere and did nothing to enliven their decades-old sound. Sorry boys. Not even Flea’s declaration “I fucking love you in the core of my spleen” did much to win me over, mainly because gross.

Award for Best Fashion – Karen O, Yeah Yeah Yeahs

This Feltchy Award may prove to be controversial as I saw a lot of less-than-affirmative opinions posted about this outfit on the Twittersphere, one such borrowing from the wit of Dr Cox from the TV show Scrubs: “She looks like a prostitute who caters exclusively to clowns.” Ooof, epic reproduced burn bro. If you know anything about Karen O from the YYYs it’s that she loves her some spectacle and her Coachella appearance did little to waiver from her outlandish, extravagant persona. Dressed in a rainbow-coloured, multi-layered, sparkling costume with matching crown/cape combo, Karen O gets 5 stars from this reviewer.

@CursedFrogurt1 can go eat a proverbial:

Biggest Response From a Band That Wasn’t Actually There – Daft Punk

If the music world rumour mill was an actual mill, like 80% of the grain-output produced would be Daft Punk flavoured. (The Feltchy Award for worst metaphor ever made goes to…) There is so much bullshit thrown around about the elusive French electro magicians that it’s hard to believe most reports on their movements. Coachella, however, delivered some real solid goods in the form of an extended preview of new material. The 90 seconds or so of ‘Get Lucky’ includes the most new music we’ve heard from their upcoming albumRandom Access Memories, features Pharrell Williams and apparently packed out the tent it was screened in. TAKE THAT ACTUAL BANDS PRESENT.

And now some rapid-fire Feltchys:

Most People Impregnated by a Performance
 – James Blake #DreamBoat

Biggest WTF Moment – Phoenix joined on-stage by R. Kelly. WHATWHY?

Best Stage Banter – Father John Misty – “I feel like playing this thing now” *picks up guitar* “This thing is called a laptop.” LOL

The “What These Dudes are Still Alive?” Award – Tie between Violent Femmes and The Stone Roses.

Alright that’s all from me. Catch you the next time I watch a thing in my underwear and give out meaningless, made-up awards for no reason. Bye

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