Originally posted on the [V] Music website

The 55th Annual Grammy Awards were held Sunday night in LA and continuing last year’s tradition (where Pommy soul songstress Adele went home with a bazillion awards) suffered a largely international invasion with Brits Mumford & Sons taking out the top gong Album of the Year and our very own Wally De Backer (aka Gotye) sweeping all nominated awards with his now ancient hit ‘Somebody That I Used to Know’. Congratulations America, way to celebrate 2011’s song of the year in 2013!

Featuring performances from such heavyweights of the musical world as Taylor Swift (freaky acid-trip circus theme), Frank Ocean (slow-motion, mustard-suit, desert-jog) and Fun. (one word: moist), the ceremony was hosted by obsessively social-media savvy, hip-hop artist LL Cool J #WeGetIt #YouUnderstandTheInternet #Congrats.

In order to run you through all the Grammys highlights I’ve decided to award my own trophies, voted by an industry committee of me. I give you The 2013 Feltchy Awards (working title):

Most Deserving Award-Winner – Frank Ocean
Although I am hesitant to not give this award to your boy and mine Gotye, who, let’s face it, deserves the hell out of Record of the Year with his ultimate earworm of a song which conquered the world over the past 18 months but seeing Frank Ocean win two Grammys was seriously awesome. The R&B singer took home Best Urban Contemporary Album for his critically adored debut Channel Orange and Best Rap/Urban for his collab with Jay-Z and Kanye ‘No Church in the Wild’. His unique style which stretches the boundaries of the genre and courageous opening-up of his private life makes Ocean an impressive new artist worthy of praise.

Most Shown Celebrity in the Audience – Taylor Swift
Okay, so the cameramen at the Grammys all must have serious boners for Taylor Swift. I swear the feed cut to her and her awkward-white-girl dancing at every possible opportunity. Like any early-20s chick at a party, Swifty gawkily swang her arms and mouthed along to the words she knew during every song and thanks to a team of videographers who are obviously lining up to join her infamous ex-boyfriend brigade, we got to witness it all too often.

Most Awkward Presenter Moment – Ellen Degeneres and Beyonce Knowles
Although Beyonce is unquestionably the reigning Queen of Pop following her stunning Super Bowl half-time performance last week, she isn’t, however, the Queen of the Teleprompter, with her awkward, stilted reading of the script barely saved by the charm of her oddly chosen presenter-pal Ellen Degeneres. Stick to winning music awards Bey, not presenting them.

Worst Person Ever, Like OMG For Realz Now – Chris Brown
Seriously Chris Brown? Seriously? For once in your miserable excuse for a life could you try and do something that doesn’t make us all despise you. The Rihanna-beating, Frank Ocean-punching walking venereal disease was nominated for Best Urban Contemporary and on losing to his car-park-battle-opponent, Frank, chose to stay stubbornly seated while the rest of the auditorium gave a standing ovation. REAL MATURE, MATE. Chris Brown takes out this award, once again, and forever.

Weirdest Performance Pairing – Ed Sheeran and Elton John
Inspiring weird-looking rangas the world over, UK wonderboy Ed Sheeran was paired with Elton John/his future self for a duet of Sheeran’s tween-favourite ‘The A Team’. To say it was weird is an understatement, with the two incredibly different vocals not really suiting the style of the song and clashing horribly. File in: No. Just… No.

Best Dressed – J-Lo/Katy Perry
There are two winners in this category, which is going to diverge depending on your sexual orientation. The ladyfriend that was my Grammy viewing buddy grants this award to Jennifer Lopez, who she described as “the epitome of style; seductive, sleek, minimal” but personally I’m giving it to Katy Perry because “BEWBS”. I’ll let you decide which is the ultimate victor. But seriously… bewbs.

And some quick Feltchy Awards:

Best Live Performance: Rihanna, Sting and Bruno Mars getting into the reggae with their tribute to Bob Marley.

Award for Bringing Sexy Back Back: Justin Timberlake

Award for Uhhh Who The F**K Is That?: Every Country Musician

Best Use of Their Grandmas Couch as a Dress: Adele

Overall this year’s Grammy Awards felt like a fairly tame affair. Many artists who performed on the night chose softer songs from their repertoire and the whole evening lacked any impressive glitzy showcases like those given to us in previous years by the likes of Gaga, P!nk and Kanye West, whilst LL Cool J continues to be a bland host more intent on reading dull tweets from his iPhone then entertaining. Jack White and Justin Timberlake (in Instagram-vision nonetheless) brought the tone up slightly but the event is certainly missing a few fireworks. I think the producers need to grow some balls and take some risks next year to ensure the Grammys really do achieve the status of the music industry’s “night of nights” (ugh, vomit).